I went wandering...
Romans 8
14 The true children of God are those who let God’s Spirit lead them. 15 The Spirit that we received is not a spirit that makes us slaves again and causes us to fear. The Spirit that we have makes us God’s chosen children. And with that Spirit we cry out, “ Abba,[b] Father.” 16 And the Spirit himself speaks to our spirits and makes us sure that we are God’s children. 17 If we are God’s children, we will get the blessings God has for his people. He will give us all that he has given Christ. But we must suffer like Christ suffered. Then we will be able to share his glory.
14 The true children of God are those who let God’s Spirit lead them. 15 The Spirit that we received is not a spirit that makes us slaves again and causes us to fear. The Spirit that we have makes us God’s chosen children. And with that Spirit we cry out, “ Abba,[b] Father.” 16 And the Spirit himself speaks to our spirits and makes us sure that we are God’s children. 17 If we are God’s children, we will get the blessings God has for his people. He will give us all that he has given Christ. But we must suffer like Christ suffered. Then we will be able to share his glory.
I went wandering...
Taking
a quest hoping for a new way of thinking. Fore a stressed while, I only felt
safe enough to live within my thoughts. Never before have I felt so threatened to speak, again. Damn, my voice makes them that mad? Must be something wrong with me. "Free me" ain't English, so let me figure out how to talk to them better. But, some days my mind is just too tired and
my thoughts get weary. Depressed tryna learn how to get you to learn. Internally I became angry
and impatient with myself. I did not know who was right. Maybe I
am criminal and ignorant. Maybe I am an overthinker, over analyzer, over
the top... anxiety said. And I let the anxiety and fear talk to me
because I do feel very passionately about what is right and wrong. I
cannot stand injustice- it is a sickening sight no one deserves
to bear alone. So, for the right answers- to calm me down
I went wandering...
Learning is my escapism, my literal liberation. Quickly we learn
that liberation is nothing that can be achieved without struggle,
questioning of self, and pain. And I stepped on thorns before knowing what they
truly stung like. Adrenalin kept my head up, but numb for about 2 more weeks.
But the holes in my feet began to puss. Ain't no such excuse as getting tired
when you're wandering. Searching for answers in books, relationships, google,
myself, prayer, sex, myself and myself. Still frustrated, irritated by the sting of my wounds. They will not heal I cried every day on the inside. Why does it still burn once the torn has been removed? I begged my ancestors.
Wandering...
I
began to cry. Outside. In front of people, while reading books, watching
movies, receiving good news, thoughtful gifts, and running in the arms of distant family. Crying at the
reassuring sight of myself within all these God given things. I cried like
hell. Cried at the possibilities. Some nights, I wanted to wander in the water
just to get to the moon. Only 2 inches away from the edge. Just a brave foot.
There was no strength inside me and I cried harder. And the tears ran down my
legs, in-between my toes, reaching the soles of my feet. The saltiness stung my
wounds shut. New feet made me search more, in new people, places, and
things. Found
me some shea to heal my soles and toes. Rubbed it real good in my chest to get
to that soul too.
I wandered into someone and they told me "You gotta have heart." I listened. I can't count how many of my folks told me stuff like that. Oh and "Girl, you better grow some thicker skin." Maybe because Black is an extra layer of skin, and woman is a deeper layer of courage. "What the fuck did I get myself into??" I've been crying since birth. Many tears, but the walk got warmer. Ain't quite seen the light, but God I feel it. God, I found it. A rainbow in my tear.
I wandered into someone and they told me "You gotta have heart." I listened. I can't count how many of my folks told me stuff like that. Oh and "Girl, you better grow some thicker skin." Maybe because Black is an extra layer of skin, and woman is a deeper layer of courage. "What the fuck did I get myself into??" I've been crying since birth. Many tears, but the walk got warmer. Ain't quite seen the light, but God I feel it. God, I found it. A rainbow in my tear.
I'm
calling July 5th, 2016 my liberation day. The day, the time, the heartbeat
where I fully decide to commit to the journey to forever letting go fear.
I
wrote to myself:
Dear
Kayla,
You earned your freedom at birth, do not listen to otherwise. You have the right to say whatever the hell you want. Use
your magic, protest and stop whatever injustice that invades your homeland.
Love whomever and however you please. Write whatever your
Truth moves you to. We good, so you good.
